“I See You. I Am With You.”
My encounter with Jesus. Renée Collins
Background: My husband, Ted, had been drawing closer to his faith and became a Knights of Columbus Nov. 2016. I was in formation for Third order Lay Carmelite and a Minister of Care. Ted and I also started a Marriage Ministry at our parish. Evaluating our spiritual journey and in preparation for our 30th Wedding Anniversary, May 30, 2017, I asked for an extra special gift. I said, “Before I die, I would love for us to go to the Holy Land to experience where Jesus, Mary, and Joseph were from and walk where they had.” I researched Pilgrimages and found one from the Darien Carmelite Retreat Center that would go to all the holy sites. We would see where Jesus was born, lived, and was crucified. We would renew our wedding vows at Cana. We would go to Mt Carmel – home of the original Carmelites. I believed the Pilgrimage would bring our faith more alive as Ted and I studied and learned. I deeply desired to make this trip when we were able to. With expectant faith, I was confident that a profound experience awaited us. The excitement to spend days devoted to God and to each other was prominent. Ted agreed!
Thursday, November 9, 2017: Gethsemane, Jerusalem
Ted and I woke and it was his turn to say our morning reading. I noticed my eyes were a little red and prayed I would not get a sinus infection. We ate and got onto the bus to go to the Garden of Gethsemane. We celebrated mass in the garden. After mass, Fr. Bob invited each of us to pick up a small olive wood cross from the altar. He asked that we keep silent and walk into the garden and stand before an olive tree and speak to Jesus. We must be silent - and pray and think of this holy garden where Jesus had been.
Ted and I went to separate trees, just as all others had. I held my cross over my heart, closed my eyes and made a confession and prayed.
I stepped away from the olive tree and started to take pictures of the garden, of Ted, of the trees. I gasped as I came upon an olive tree that was shaped like a heart as the branches came into the trunk and the leaves dangled the heart shape above. I took a deep breath and had thoughts of awe and wonder. In my mind I said, “Oh Jesus, you are in my heart and I know I am in yours! Oh, Jesus, thank you. I love hearts. I love you. If this is your gift to me, I thank you. This is all I need. Thank you for giving me this gift of seeing the olive tree shaped in a heart!”
I quickly found Ted and told him of my excitement! I said I needed him to take my picture behind the tree, but we needed to be very quiet. I was elated and gave Ted my camera. I quickly stood behind the tree. I had to be on my tip-toes so my head would show at the V part of the tree – the bottom of the heart shape, where the branches met with the trunk. Yay – Ted took several pictures. I was thrilled beyond words – like a child, I was tickled and giddy.
Our group re-boarded the tour bus and I hugged Ted’s arm and spoke of my excitement saying this trip was well worth it, just by seeing this heart-shaped tree in the Garden of Gethsemane! Ted smiled at me with joy. I wrote of my incredible experience in my journal.
Sunday, November 12, 2017: Emmaus – Caesaria – Mt. Carmel – Galilee
We woke early – especially me at 4:00 am. I was feeling pretty sick. Ted got up at 5:00 am and showered. We took our luggage down to the bus and Ted loaded them on the bus. We ate a light breakfast. We had our seat reserved on the bus and boarded ahead of time. As we drove off, our day of adventure began.
My heart was racing, and I felt warmth within though it was windy and there was a cool breeze outside. The anticipation of us going to Mt. Carmel was overwhelming. I was excited beyond words.
We arrived at our first stop and the group disembarked the bus. Fr. Bob asked us to follow him as we walked to an outside area to have mass. There was a stone altar and areas to sit. Many were grumbling and wanted to go inside the church for mass because it was cold and windy. Fr. Bob said, “It is beautiful outside and the sun is out.” I found a tree stump close to a low stone wall that overlooked a garden of olive trees. I sat down and Ted sat next to me.
Father placed stones on his paperwork on the altar so items would not be blown away. I was not worried. I felt at peace. In my mind, I was with the Carmelites. (I thought we were at Mt. Carmel.) I looked out at the olive trees and closed my eyes. The warmth of the sun was on my face and the sun warmed me. The wind blew across my face, my hair was tossed about and my skirt was in constant movement from the cool wind.
As mass progressed, I became deep in prayer. I prayed for the 33 petitions I brought for family and friends and closed my eyes again. I did not hear too much of what Father was saying as I was thinking of my relationship with our Lord. With my eyes closed, tears began to trickle down my face and land upon my navy blazer. I thought of suppressing the tears, but felt I was to have no care if others saw how the pilgrimage moved my heart.
With eyes closed, I said in my mind, “I am here Lord. I am yours, use me, speak to me.” I was filled with peace and love and wanted this feeling always. I opened my eyes and gazed upon the countryside. I looked up into the tree nearby, and my eyes fell upon a nut on a branch and the wind made a clearing through the tree. I could see a beautiful large statue of the Virgin Mary holding Jesus on top of the church.
I closed my eyes again and faced the sunshine. As I went back into prayer, I saw something white. With my eyes closed, I was squinting to see what this white something was. I was zooming in like I would with my camera that was around my neck to see what was white and that is when I saw two dots of white. As I zoomed in closer, I realized I was looking at warm brown eyes and warm brown eyes were looking at me! I felt time stand still.
My eyes were still closed, yet I was squinting to understand what I was seeing and that is when I heard “I See You. I Am With You.”
I gasped, with tears flowing continuously from my eyes. I zoomed out and saw Jesus’ head behind the heart-shaped tree I had been behind in the Garden of Gethsemane a few days before! I felt engulfed in the abyss of His graces. He was with me!
I opened my eyes and unable to control the constant flow of tears of joy and love. I stood and faced away from the group to compose myself. Did this really just happen? Did I imagine this?
I quickly rewound in my mind of what had just occurred. I saw a vision of a tree – branches. I saw a face – warm brown eyes looking at me and me looking at Him, I did not see His mouth. I looked closer and saw Jesus looking at me! Did I image this because I wanted to, or did I really see Jesus? I cannot question. I choose to believe Jesus was looking at me and blessing me for being there. He is with me indeed. I love you Lord. Your words will forever be with me: “I See You. I Am With You.” I know you are!
I was overwhelmed. The tears kept flowing. I had no concept of time – time seemed to have stood still.
I suddenly became aware it was time to receive the Eucharist. I walked to the stone altar and was elated to receive Him. I returned and sat upon the tree stump and prayed of gratitude and thanksgiving for Jesus’ coming to me.
After mass, I asked Father if I could have a picture taken with him. Father asked if I was okay because he saw I was crying. I said I was – I couldn’t possibly share my experience with Father yet. I needed to process the encounter and talk with Ted first. Ted took pictures and I thanked Fr. Bob.
Once settled in our seats on the bus, I whispered to Ted – with tears – of the vision of Jesus and what I heard Jesus say. Ted smiled grandly and tenderly patted my right thigh. I quickly pulled out my journal and through tears, I wrote notes and attempted to sketch the vision in my journal. I could not remember what site we had been at and I asked Ted as I needed to document this experience. Ted said we were at Emmaus. OH, MY, GOSH, I AM BEYOND WORDS.
My heart was racing. I felt I was floating! I had thought we were at Mt. Carmel. This is amazing that I saw the olive tree shaped as a heart, in the Garden of Gethsemane and three days later Jesus came to me at Emmaus, Post Resurrection!!! Jesus came to me at Emmaus – Post Resurrection! (I need to talk to Fr. Bob about this. Could this be true? Did I imagine this? I needed to write about this.)
Next, we arrived at Mt. Carmel, home of the Carmelites, famous for the Prophet Elijah and Our Lady of Mount Carmel. At Stella Maris, Star of the Sea, Mount Carmel, Haifa, Fr. Bob did a reading to renew his Carmelite vows in the Elijah lower altar space. Father asked me to assist with the reading since I was in formation for 3rd Order Lay Carmelite. This was a very special moment for me and my formation. The reading with Fr. Bob was a treasured time, never to be forgotten, proclaiming our devotion to follow Him.
Heavenly Father, with eternal gratitude for the grace you have bestowed by visiting me today at Emmaus, my eyes, heart, and soul are open. Lead my steps in the path you have shown, that I may know the strength of your outstretched arms, and enjoy the light of your presence forever. I love you. I thirst. Amen.
Monday, November 13, 2017: Galilee
We stayed at the Kibbutz Lavi Hotel near Nazareth in the lower Galilee. After dinner, I asked Fr. Bob if he had a couple minutes to talk about why I was crying yesterday at Emmaus. I described my experience and asked if I could have imagined this. He asked, “Why do you doubt or second guess? People think it is about a personal relationship with Jesus and to keep to oneself. It is not meant for you to hold on to, it is meant for you to share with all Carmelites and others. When you get back home, you are to share, you got it?” I said “Yes.” He said, “No, do you get it?’ I said “Yes. I am to share. Thank you, Fr. Bob.”
Friday, December 17, 2017: Meeting with Jenny Lisiecki, 3rd Order Lay Carmelite (4/19/20 Asked Jenny to confirm my recollection of our meeting. 4/24/2020 Jenny confirmed.)
I had a scheduled formation meeting with Jenny at her home. She asked about Ted and my Holy Land Pilgrimage. I told her about my encounter with Jesus and she said she had something for me. She handed me a wrapped gift and said to open it – it will make sense when I do.
I opened the gift. Jenny gave me a heart ornament. I opened my mouth and tears started to flow. I told Jenny that I love hearts!
Jenny said when she was picking out the ornament, she was choosing between a cross or a heart and she was directed to get the heart! She heard that Jesus wanted me to know that both her and I are in the Heart of Jesus – we are Carmelite sisters and in Jesus’ heart. Jenny said “You are a Carmelite!”
I was filled with joy and love. I told Jenny that when I was in the Garden of Gethsemane, I had said, “Jesus was in my heart, and I know I am in his!” I am elated beyond words and know that Jesus spoke to me through Jenny.
Msgr. Deutsch said in a July 2020 homily, “With a vision, comes mission. When we have a vision of the Lord in our life, we have a mission and obligation to share this with others.”
The affirmations continue to move me forward and closer to the Heart of Jesus.
He is truly alive and present.
It is impossible for me not to speak about what I have seen and heard.
There is hope for us all. The message is for each of us.
“I See You. I Am With You.”